I have written this blog post 100 times in the shower. When I step under that hot flowing water, my creative side comes out, I swear I could write a whole book in there. By the time I’m drying off, so have my writing ideas. (I even start shouting to Siri like a crazy person so she would write my ideas down. Needless to say along with the other people in my house, she doesn’t listen to me.)
This pretty much is in theme of my post today. I also think to myself, “I’m exhausted, maybe Ill just read my book snuggled in bed while the baby sleeps”. Then the baby wakes, reminding me that there is absolutely no “me time” for the next 18 years. As I was writing this very sentence he woke up. I got a shower and that’s more than I can usually ask for. I sat nursing him staring at my glowing computer screen, taunting me.
My newest baby isn’t a great napper, but he’s not too terrible at night.I get sleep this go round thank the heavens. He is a snuggler and sleeps better in my arms. Remember the “hug and roll” from Friends? That is me and Fitz every night, he’s Janice.
Where was I going with this? Right. So I’ve been on the struggle bus lately. Have you ever actually seen that bus? It’s shorter than the short bus and I’m sitting in the back and realized I was supposed to be driving it. It would probably painted puke green or something else ugly just to be really annoying. Ever heard the story about the RV that crashed and the people told reporters they thought cruise control meant self propelled driving? Whether that’s true or not, thats sort of what the struggle bus is in my mind.
I told myself, if I was in the business of making excuses, I would be rich. But seriously, who can concentrate with three kids running around? My 6 year old I swear is messing with me. I think he’s got a quota of how many questions he can ask me in a day to see if he can get steam to rise from my head. I don’t know how many questions I can answer about chevy trucks or how far it is to space before I explode. When I’m mid sentence on the phone or writing an email its like my child turns into Stewie. “Mommy, momma, mom, mom, mom, Taylor, Mommy, MOMMMMMYYYY”. Then he will proceed to tell me exactly what he just told me mere moments ago, twice already. “Zane pushed me and I hurt my toe.”
I sometimes wish I could treat my work like a 9 to 5. Though I’m grateful I don’t have to go in an office everyday it’s also a burden to not have a place to go. Have you ever tried the take your kids to work day? Don’t. It doesn’t make for a productive day at the office. Back in the day when I had to go to work lest I be fired… I went to work. I did my job with no interruptions. I couldn’t decide to clean my house. I couldn’t skip out and read the new Elin Hilderbrand novel instead. I HAD to work. Then at the end of the day the work was done and I could head home to my house and clean or watch reruns of Sex and the city. Heck I didn’t have to clean, there weren’t three children making breakfast, lunch, and dinner messes. Zane: king of crumbs.
I get consumed with TO DO lists. I make them from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. Sometimes I even put things on the list I already did just so I can cross it off, see some progress. My days are intertwined with emails, phones calls, paying bills, poop diapers, school work, coloring, bathroom cleaning, dog washing, errands and sometimes a glass of wine. I lied. Always a glass of wine. (The only thing I can actually count on in my life. $5 Target wine.)
Every mom struggles with this right?
I do better with order, yet I haven’t figured out how to create it. I can’t just do laundry on Tuesdays or commit to an exercise routine. I nurse a baby on demand, 4pm email answering isn’t gonna work. (I know why the housewives of BH are always having lunch, working out, or building stupid businesses. It’s everything they couldn’t do when their kids were small…) I tried Marie Kondo-ing my house. I got rid of 3 bags of clothes, but if I asked “Does this bring me joy?” I might be left with my books and wine and not much else…
I watched the Netflix show Minimialism and while I still wish I could live like that, I do in fact NEED 4 different bottle of shampoo in my shower and I LIKE having 33 Starbucks travel series coffee mugs.
My head gets so Chaotic with daily TO DO lists that sometimes I don’t actually cross off a single thing. Some days ( ashamed to admit, im so burnt out on what I have to do I just don’t do anything.) Then I wake up panicked in the middle of the night. Did I email that Airbnb guest? Did I send the email confirmation? Did I put the clothes in the dryer? Everytime my husband shuffles off for his work trips, I vow to get my life right. Then he comes home and I’m no better off and I end up following him around like a lost puppy after missing him so long. He comes home to a mile-long list because lets face it, I’m no good at manual outdoor labor.
I am a stay at home mom. I also work to try and make money, to grow businesses part time. The two mingle like oil and vinegar. No matter how much I try to get them all to mesh together they don’t. When I work on my blog, website, book, or property business I feel a shear terror that I am missing out on the best parts of my kid’s life. When I’m sitting around coloring I think to myself, That bathtub could use a good scrub and I could be getting so much done right now.
I live my life in blocks of time. I pretty much live by on demand nursing schedule and nap times. When I’m nursing there isn’t much else I can do. When he’s sleeping, I scream around like a quiet dizzy blind bat trying to accomplish anything and everything. I need help. And by help I need therapy. But I don’t have time for it or the resources.
After a conversation with my sister in law this weekend she said something that really helped. She’s a mom of two little ones’ same age as mine, and she works a full time stressful job in the medical field. She said “You HAVE to prioritize. You have to decide what is important enough and dedicate your time to that.” She was absolutely right. Her explanation made it sound so simple. I decided, I need to spend my waking moments with my kids. Have more patience. They say the number one thing we say to our kids is “HURRY UP.” Its totally true for me. I think to myself, stop making cleaning the house your priority. Then again, I swear if I didn’t clean all day everyday, my husband would sign me up for a intervention on the set of Hoarders or whatever that dirty show on TLC is. Cleaning the house makes me feel more zen and also its is the only thing I do in a day that shows actual results… which is why I ignore my writing and unload dishes…
My mind boggles everyday with housework, work-work, kids stuff, bathtime, etc. And who remembers what fun time is? Where does that fit in?
If I found out I was dying tomorrow would I really be like, “good call on cleaning the pee off the toilets for 20 minutes.” Or would I say, thank goodness I decided to just eat the largest piece of cake and snuggle up watching Car 3 for the 787thtime?
I think we all know the answer to these questions but we also can’t let responsibilities fall to the wayside because we think we might keel over dead tomorrow.
Does anyone know how to make your lives less Chaotic? More streamlined, more prioritized? No-Seriously I am asking. Write it on my post, dm me, send me the best self help book or podcast you listened to. Help me find my way.
I know this won’t be an overnight change, but I vow to make progress towards a more healthy thought process. Cut out the devil: procrastination. It’s where good things go to die. I will never understand why I procrastinate. It is right up there with among other things I don’t understand. Like Calculus, people who like Amy Shumer, and why no one can design Chic-fil-A parking lot/drive thru correctly.
I just read in a self help book that I didn’t buy about Getting things done. He said “ yeah buy the book to help you get things done NOW, but you end up saying ooh yes but ill read it later.” —-totally me.
I KNOW I am not the only one out there…
This blog post has wore me out, did it wear you out? Ps. my kid slept through 40 minutes of finishing the post. BONUS.