Before Baby


(written 10/14/18)

Note: Its kind of crazy to go back and read this and see how far I’ve come in 12 weeks…

I’m just shy of 24 hours exactly before our third little one will be born. He doesn’t have a definite name yet, of course none of our kids have ever been named before birth. Zane is sick and currently upstairs fighting off a fever in my bed. It’s 2am and I haven’t slept yet. I’m 39 weeks and 3 days and I am super surprised this baby hasn’t decided to come on his own. So a C-section on Monday it is. I am not crazy about the idea at all. Being sliced open, just seems super unnatural. However, after the trauma of birthing Zane I can see how this might be the best thing to avoid really long lasting issues. No one understands what I went thru with that birth but it was pretty awful recovery I’d rather not relive.

I haven’t wrapped by brain around having a third child. Today at the store I saw a mom with 3. She looked overwhelmed. I mean, two is manageable. One on each side of the car, two can fit in the car buggy at Publix. Two is a pair. I keep reading articles how 2 is easy, 4 or 5 kids is easy but 3 is not…

I’m sad. I’m sad in just a short day I won’t be pregnant anymore. It is just a blessing and such an experience to have a little one kicking around in there. He’s part of me and he’s certainly much easier to take care of in there. He’s safe.

I’m scared.

I’m nervous something will go wrong. What If he has jaundice bad like my first? What if he has trouble breathing? What if the c section goes wrong? What if?

I’m so excited.

I can’t wait to meet the final little one of our family. I cannot wait to hold him in my arms. I wonder what he will look like. Will he be a good baby?

 

I’m not ready.

 

I’m not ready for the painful surgery or the recovery. I’m not ready to feel so tired that I can’t survive. The strain it will put on me as a human is defining.

 

I’m worried.

 

I’m worried I can’t exclusively breastfeed since I failed with my others. That all my expectations wont be met. I’m worried it will be more than I bargained for.

 

I’m stressed.

 

The nesting has made me a crazy person about cleaning. I hope Zane and Cruze ( as excited as they are) deal well with me being so involved with the baby. Have I spread myself too thin having all these children?

I’m scared. Just plain scared shitless for everything.

 

Maybe this is why I can’t sleep. My emotions are raw and eating me alive.

 

40 weeks has come and went in a flash. I’m mourning the loss somehow of my child birthing years. I won’t ever have another baby in my belly. I wont ever feel that feeling or find out with a pregnancy test. Or get excited for a gender reveal. I am already feeling sad about the fact that this baby will grow each day and it will be the last day each day of having a small baby. Our kids have been such blessing. Even when it’s hard. Their smiles outweigh the hard days. Their laugh outweighs the havoc it caused my body at one time. Their sleepy voices in the morning outweighs the love I have for sleep.

 

I’m not always the best mom. Its really hard to care for 2 (now 3) other humans that constantly need everything at all times, especially when I have just sat down… but it’s the best thing in the world and that’s the only reason I can explain why someone like me, who’s so nervous to have another, keeps having children. They are amazing.  They are worth every single emotion I feel, and boy do you feel them all at once.

 

Tomorrow is the day before baby, Zane’s birthday party, and also both my mom and my Grandma will all be here. After having two kids abroad with no family, I will have 3 women ( including my mother in law) here for us. I’m so grateful for them all. I’m so excited for Zane to get his Paw Patrol Fire truck he’s been asking for. I can’t wait to bake some cupcakes. Mostly I pray he feels better tomorrow and all of us are well before the arrival of baby #3.

 

I pray all goes well, from here on out… see you soon baby Collins!

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2 thoughts on “Before Baby

  1. Aww lovely post. Congrats on little one. Check out our blog for moms and moms to be and join our community and conversations. Would love to hear your thoughts and advice you can share with other ladies. Comment on some of our various topics we have up ☺️

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