Here I am sitting outside trying to keep my composure. I had a tough day. Renovations are in full swing, I’m falling behind in real estate class ( or so it feels like it) and the website I released is now more work than ever. I have two kids all day who are unstructured, unruly, and unsatisfied with the day to day life. I can’t barely remember the last time I played with them. I made them Mac and cheese from a box for lunch, and I swear after 8 hours of “working”, I didn’t get anything done that I needed to. The last straw was when I stalled out in my new jeep. *SIGH I mean I can’t even drive right today.
I never really knew how hard trying to raise two kids, run a household, be a good wife, run a business (or three), attend online school, AND handle a renovation would be sometimes. Today, I struggled. I struggled hard. The only accomplishment is that I didn’t burn dinner. *SUCCESS.
When I’m working, I am feeling guilty about not hanging with the kids. When I’m with the kids I am half there, going over everything I could be productively doing. Its constant cycle.
If you are at all like me, no matter if you stay at home, work 9-5, work at home, and have kids you suffer from this terrible no good awful bad thing called:
Sometimes I call it anxiety and just drink an extra glass of wine and watch Teen Mom to feel better about myself. Other times I truly can’t figure out how to get it all right. There is this common standard we all hold ourselves to, which by the way, is totally unrealistic and mostly in magazines or Instagram ads. ( Shit, I need to update my Instagram Biz account) This version in my head is me wearing heels and an apron, cooking a healthy yet delicious meal, while the kids play quietly, not a stain on their shirts. Meanwhile my blog is over there in the other room killing it( CHA-CHING). My face is totally flawless, my clothes are crisp and white. I also work out and have a super flat stomach that looks amazing in my bikini. HA.
I didn’t shower today, I had to get up early and check out the tile guys work. I run back home to two crying kids bc *GASP I left them sleeping in bed. They make a sticky mess of breakfast which I don’t get around to cleaning up until I serve box Mac and cheese. I am sitting at the computer fighting the gnats that are overtaking the house bc I never got around to making banana bread from those now moldy bananas. I realize many hours later, my youngest peed the bed so there is 2 more hours of laundry. I tripped, stubbed my toe, didn’t get to exercise, forgot about 100 things I was supposed to do on my list, and got dinner on the table just before the kids bedtime. My business feels like its failing, but its not really true. Its me. I feel like I’m failing. I should be doing my homework, I should be teaching Cruze to read, I shouldn’t let them watch so much tv. I should make healthier meals, I should have the whole house cleaned before my husband gets home. I should, I should, I should…
I am NOT making any excuses for us women. We are pretty amazing. After all, pushing kids out of your tiniest part of your body should be an accomplishment of epicness. “Im not doing the dishes, I pushed a watermelon through a straw hole for cripes sake!” The end.
I’m letting off steam. I am overwhelmed. I feel directionless. I feel unprepared. I feel not good enough. We all go through this. I typically feel like on a good day, I am not enough for my kids. They deserve to be played with. They deserve me to be present. They deserve the world.
Today, my husband could tell I wasn’t all right. He asked if you could do anything to help. I almost cried right then and there. Just asking made the difference. Noticing I was struggling.
But what we have to remember, is just like tonight that storm passes. The sun comes out again. The good times keep coming. The little things in life make us laugh and joyous. We are only human, we lose our way but it doesn’t mean we are failures. We tend to pile it on, yelling “ I got this! I got this!” And sometimes, Well, we just don’t “got this”.
Our kids love us any way. They don’t see the struggle. They don’t care that they ate boxed pasta, hell they are overjoyed!
Mom guilt is normal. Needing an extra minute alone with an EXTRA tall glass of wine is normal.
You rock that shit most days.
AND you do it well in your messy bun, target shirt and yoga pants.
Cheers to you Mommas!
Tell me about your worst day in the comment section!
Shameless plug: If you are wondering about my “website” check it out here:
Here are some pics good days AND bad days recently…